parlycheh

lol but it's oaky it's okay it's okay because i'm afuckign beast i'm a fucking baeats i'm a fucking beatst i can do this i acn d othis i can do this . i can learn two completly new chapters of physcis while listening to crazy ass trauma inducing stravinsky becuase i can multi task so i cn study for both of tomorrow' s final s. it's okay i can do this i can do this i'm a fucking east. i can do this . i can do this .i can do this. okay but the music has got to go. i can listen to that tomorrow 530--830 am before teh music final. i can do this .two caheptsres no kick. just learn that tonight. start doing physics practice papers by 2am/ can can can. i have the whloe of tmr aternoon to study for physics . and then i'll have the whole night/next morening for lit hum final. canca cn an. i an do this. ther's still time. let's not even think abou tthe two finals that i'm ACTUALLY fucked for next weke. that cn come later. one step at t time. i ge yi ge lai. can . can. can. i can do this. i'm afucking beast. thers's still time. its' okay. it's all okay. it's okya. it's okay. just need to b ecalm . and not listen to ficking ivesand cage playing on her computer . it's okay. ther's tiem. i'ma beas.t who may not be able to type proeprly not but it's okay. i dont' need to type proerpy. just need to beast. JUST NEED TOBEAST. be and calm. be calm. be calmc. be calm. i'm calm. i'm calm. i an tyep, (oh my god why is it so hard to ype now) i can type.

okay. go to kofi'si room. why can i stopstil not type yet. okay. go to kofis' room. use his desk. need to be suelfsih and let him use his bed to study. displayce his brother don't are. need to be in nnnnnnnnnnna smokeing room. oka.y okay. youjstu ened to be normal now. be normal. be calm. yo can do this. can can can. i am abeast. that music is pissing me off. it's all going to be ooooookay.

did anyone listen to today'd BBC global news podcast? they just covered two different interviews, one involving this pregnant woman and her view on US healthcare and insurance coverage by employer, the second about the mudslides that happened in venezuela ten years ago, and i found myself very annoyed and amused by them respectively! go listen! need to go for review session now so cannot elaborate

"With the ordinary conventions of civilized life thrown into confusion, human nature, always ready to offend even where laws exist, showed itself proudly in its true colours, as something incapable of controlling passion, insubordinate to the idea of justice, the enemy to anything superior to itself; for, if it had not been for the pernicious power of envy, men would not so have exalted vengeance above innocence and profit above justice."
- Thucydides (History of the Peloponnesian War)

So powerful!

STUDYING/SMOKING LIKE CRAZY. NO TIME TO SLEEP. I HAVE TO CONTINUE DOING THIS FOR A WEEK MORE. I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS.

i should hang one that says
"I MAY BE PIAK, BUT I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF YOU."

ugh. li li li, always attracting the crazies lol.

anw i have been studying so so much. it's mellowed me out so much. and not sleeping that much. much much much munch if i keep going at this rate, i might get those eyeliner pencils and colour in my ridiculously humongous eye-bags. the goth look might match my hair. the most frustrating thing is that i know that i may be putting in all this work and spending so many hours studying, but it's NOT GOING TO PAY OFF. i don't even know why. but i've been studying like crazy but i feel like it's uselesssssssss. honestly i thought i could smoke my way through my science classes the way i did for As, but my fundamental knowledge is so shaky that everything is starting to crumbleeee and turn to shit. i hate. this. sense. of. inexorable failure!!!! >:( >:( I DON'T WANT TO FAIL. but again columbia has said to me, in its booming omnipresent voice, 'i may have great professors, and you may be working your ass off for me, but it's TOO LATE. there is no beating me so stop being so fucking hubristic and arrogant. I SHALL REDUCE YOU TO THE RANK OF SUBSTANDARD ASIAN. try and get on the dean's list now, bitch!'

i stand before the god of columbia, humbled and very dejected :(

(i'm writing a paper on god and dionysus, if can you tell.)

can't you make it just a little bit easier for me so the ridiculous amount of work i put in pays off?! >:(

yes.

lol. bought myself a blazer and i look ridiculous in it. online shopping at 5am makes me me head straight for the men's section. it's weird, my "wishlist" consists of a black dress and man blazers. THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL. it only occurred recently to me that i can't be the ONLY person in the entire world in my "predicament". i must research this after finals. i can't be the only person who's bisexual and torn between two very polar lifestyles, attitudes and opinions. for the record, i'm not confused, i'm just in a confusing position.

anyway! i've been mugging like a beast. 'cos that's how i do :) finally got my first A in orgo (thank you sito!), right now i'm honestly working as hard as i can in every subject to pull my grades up. i'm thinking back on how i flipped out a few weeks back and called ma, crying because i didn't think i was going to get on the dean's list lol. right now i have a 50-50 chance i think, but i'm not leaving it up to chance.

i left my coach a note in her office today (yes she has an office. i don't even think TEAM SINGAPORE has anything of that sort lol), and finally was able to articulate exactly what i wanted, since prior to that it was all still a huge blur. (it took half an hour of awkwardly standing alone in her office haha.) i told her there's no way i can commit and be a full-time member on the team next semester, but that there are international competitions in fall 2010 and fall 2011 that i want to take part in. (time out: am i really considering cutting weeks of school / deferring a semester in school just to compete in asian and SEA games? neither are "resume-worthy", as gege would say. it's unfortunate that the competitions that i REALLY want to play in are the ones that are the least prestigious. because that's the only way singapore has a chance haha.) i also said i'd be willing to play for columbia in spring 2011. (gotta give them reason to train me, right?) and i know that if i really do stick by this, i WILL be a huge boon to team singapore for the SEA games. i just have to figure out if i want that enough to continue sacrificing for that long. anyway i basically asked if i could occasionally train with the team sometime next sem. i hope i worded it well enough la.

BUT right now i'm also in a find-a-research-attachment frenzy. that should be pretty fun too. but of course finals are in 2.5 weeks (oh my god) and i'm going full steam until i get my As. cos that takes precedence over everything. singapore-style :)

so that's my life right now. it's kay. things are always looking up when you want them to :)

okay update:
-hi
-there's asian games in november 2010. (singapore's attendance is supposedly confirmed, though as always i am skeptical.) which isn't AS bad as it could be. i guess i could take a week or two off school? don't know how anal singapore'd be able getting me to train with them (shoudl be quite anal la). BUT i'm sure if i spend my summer holiday training (again, although this time i'll do it nick-tan-style and intern/work/research while i train) it should be okay la. i just need to be able to say YES I WANT THIS, I'M GOING TO DO THIS with as much conviction as i used to in the past. hmm.
-i have been eating so much lately. thanksgiving feasts + munchies = an actual need to go to the gym haha.
-i'm still bisexual as ever, and equally dissatisfied somehow.
-sleepy.
so full hahahaha.
-is asian games worth it?
-my teet are getting yellower
-sontired
goodnight

isn't it cute how girls pose and pout and flirt with each other in the presence of guys? what a tease! how attractive, how suggestive. my my, doesn't that turn the boys on. look at you, so coy and suggestive. boys love bisexual girls don't they? ups their odds for a threesome, no? aren't you the life of the party! go on, do it, just because a bunch of substandard horny boys are egging on their fantasies; aren't you so eager to oblige. why not, it's so cute. two girls kissing. you just gave half of them erections. there's no harm doing it though, it gets you the attention, and it doesn't mean anything anyway.

please la. it's fine if you only have a few shots of you doing it in jest. but if every single fucking picture is of you pretending to look deeply and passionately in love with every single fucking girl in every picture, then go get a fucking strap-on.



(haha, and the sad part is that i don't know if i'm indirectly being a giant hypocrite.)

i just finished writing 3500 words on my jay chou essay, haven't edited it yet, and miss playing softball :( i don't even like pitching that much, in the sense that i wouldn't go on a random field and pitch to random people 'for the fun of it'. but i like training. hard. and improving. and working for something. and striving to be the best. and being the best. but i don't know if i can commit.. again. i don't know, things are changing. i spent my weekend not hanging out with my (brother's) friends on the 13th floor, and i had so much fun, and i don't know what i'm thinking. i really, really don't. many things have changed, inside this head of mine. and i don't know what they are.

it's like i don't like things for the simple, proper, 'normal' reason anymore. i don't like pitching but i like being known as the varsity team pitcher. i don't like girls for who they are, i like how i look around them. (on a related note, i'm going to fuck some things up because i'm being a dick. even though i'm fully aware that it can go somewhere genuinely good. i just don't have the patience for it. because i'm a dick.)

these days i'm a lot less in tune with myself. i don't know what's going on up there anymore. and for the first time in a while, i don't even feel like talking to anyone about it. i can't even articulate what's going on, i don't want someone to go through all my waste to diagnose my problems. there's too much sewage.

people think that being bi is unfair because you get double the choices.
what they don't realize is you get double the problems too.

"All other talk, especially the talk of rich businessmen like you, bores me to tears, and I'm sorry for you and your friends because you think your affairs are important when really they're totally trivial. Perhaps, in your turn, you think I'm a failure, and, believe me, I think that what you think is true. But as for all of you, I don't think you are failures - I know it for a fact." - Apollodorus in Plato's Symposium

This really isn't the best quote I've encountered; Aristophanes' Lysistrata is about a women from a bunch of Athenian and Spartan cities who abstain from sex in order to get their men to stop going to war; Euripides' The Bacchae is about Dionysus, (aka the god of wine) who has a cult of crazy wild women who tear apart a king etc. And I've found at least one good/funny quote from each text I've read so far (except those terribly boring prose books like Herodotus' Histories and Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War which are both soooooo sian) which I'll post up at some point of time.

Okay the point is Lit is actually quite fun :) Not to mention I got an A- on my midterm for it! It's really not as bad as I thought it was going to be :)

SCHOOL IS COOL, GUYS. (Y) lol :D

i may never ever be as good/strong/smart as others, but i know what it's like being at the bottom, and i hate being there. so i will claw my way up, just to have people recognize me as an accomplished person. and i will never, ever surrender until i get there.

am signing up for a bunch of things to do next semester, ah the excitement! :) it's going to be nice, having a life again! here's what spring's going to look like:
- 5 classes (PHEW! this should be nothing compared to what i'm doing now)
- EMT training (which really will serve as a sixth class but hey, i'll be learning cool stuff)
- (hopefully) paid research/volunteer opportunity (applying now)
- karate/muaythai/TKD club. i've been itching for a fight! haha. 
- perpetual partying :D

it's gonna be awwwwwesome :)

wrote this while applying for a volunteer position, it sounds so cliche but i re-looked it and realized that there's nothing i want to change about it, because it's genuinely how i feel:

I realize and appreciate the importance of having a nurturing environment and a good education in shaping one's development as a person. I was fortunate enough to have both of these growing up, and feel that others should not be denied such opportunities. I am keen on improving the lives of others in any aspect, including possibly in the realm of healthcare and biotechnology in the future. In a way, the means to helping people is irrelevant to me, as long as I can impact a community in a positive way.

L:
i like girls and the image i get to portray when i'm with them
so i NEED SOME GIRLZ NOW PLZ
Reggie:
go coro buy la

the thing about me is that i'm one who cares a lot about my image. i am very strict with managing people's perception of me. (which in itself is a way i want people to see me.) so i spent a considerable amount of time (that i was conscious of, at least) building this idealized image of myself, then proceeding to work towards it. and for the most part, i was successful. at my 'prime', i was a disciplined, athletic, sociable, smart kid. but ever since coming to columbia, these things that i so highly prided myself in have been slipping: i quit the softball team (i actually haven't exercised in a month, eeyer!), my grades aren't satisfactory, i'm a lot less disciplined etc. and apart from the immediate consequences of that (cultivating my beer belly, emo bouts about poor grades etc), it's also been taking its toll on my self-esteem and my very perception of myself. that's why i cling on to the things i've got, that's why i work so hard to get back to what i used to be. this also explains why i get so emotional about my grades, in the same way i used to bawl my eyes out over softball. these essentially are not only priorities in my life, but they literally are a part of my life and my character. 

this explains why i'm so fuuuuuucking happy that i just BEASTED my physics exam! A for SURE :) god, i've never been able to say that about anything; partly because i never have the confidence, but mainly because i haven't actually been able to do it haha. so this is such an exhilarating rush, and it feels so good. i miss this feeling! it was like taking that A level maths paper, and actually KNOWING that i was going to do well on it. (see visa, memories of As will haunt you for life, so make them good ones!) i don't want to jinx it anymore haha, but i really need for things to start looking up again. my poor ego needs it. i'm going to fucking earn it! :) 

given the number of hours i study every day (at least 5.5hrs every day, i keep track. at least leh!) if i were back at nyu, i'd have a fucking 4.0 by now, without a doubt. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN SCHOOL!?!!?

story of my life.

maybe i've been guy-ing myself up because i know how much of a girl i am inside.  

(hold up. did thang just imply that i have a penis? lol.)
ahhhh thursday is going to be SO awesome. i already know what i'm going to do: get out of my bio paper at 7.20pm, go for happy hour, take a nap, and chiongggggggggggggg and get smashed for five days straight. love it!

[edit]
i was just reminded of this conversation i was having with my floormate (common kitchens are quite the social destination lol) about how indignant i was about my academic advisor hinting that i should drop classes to get a 3.8 GPA (even though she was totally reasonable about it, and i agree with her completely.) i know i'm not quite cream of the crop, but i know that it's a reasonable goal. (come to think of it, i actually can fucking do it. right?) but what i thought was hilarious was how my floormate said, what she said is nothing personal, she's just.. well you know, this is columbia. it's definitely a lot tougher here (valid point.) honestly, for anyone here, especially if they're taking six classes, they should be happy with a 3.0.

...

TO YOU, I SAY NO TOO!

hahahahaha wahlao 3.0, are you crazy. (that translates to a B average for A levels, in singapore terms. and not just any B you know; B doesn't mean 2nd place here, it means not A, not A-, not even B+, but B!) so no, my friend, there will NOT be any Bs in my life. not on my final transcript. silly. it's not going to happen. i'll make sure of it :)

to give myself a day or two to chill somewhere, and write and write and write. my brain has the consistency of chicken noodle soup and there's a lot in there, just slushing about, and i want to get it all out and down. i think that i've figured most of myself out, and parts of it are really interesting, some of it super wtf, but i'd like to get it out in the open and marvel at/flip out over what kind of a person i am. 

met my academic advisor for the first time today. nice lady, but it was very impersonal compared with nyu's. didn't really see myself talking about vacations to honduras with her the way i did with lauren. this one was strictly business. nonetheless she was helpful. when she saw the classes i was taking this semester, and when she heard i was aiming for a 3.8, she started telling me what to do if i felt my gpa was starting to slip and what options i had, since it was too late to drop a class. 

look.

i want my As. (and A-'s). 

i'm going to get them, too. 

and i'm not going to use any of her options. why? because i know i can do without. 

coming to columbia has really put things in perspective. it's been a very humbling experience thus far. it's constantly been telling me, no, you're not better than everyone else, you're not smarter than everyone else, you're not as disciplined as everyone else. it's been very very humbling. it really has shaped the way i view myself, and it's been very hard accepting the fact that I Am Ordinary. this is relative, of course, since now i am surrounded by kids who are much more accomplished than i. it's a different playing field, and i'm going to have to start working hard and fighting to get myself back on top. 

so to you, my friend, i say no. i may not be at the top yet, but i'm going to get there. i'm going to fight my way up. i'm going to drug myself with coffee, endure late nights, and abstain from parties for the next two weeks and beast my four midterms + one paper. and then i'm going to party over my 5-day halloween break, and then i'm going to beast all over again. i'm going to chiong for that month and a half, pre-A levels style, and when finals come, i'm gonna be so fucking beastly that my grades will be even more badass than my hair. i'm going to prove myself, one grade at a time.

(wow is this not the nerdiest pre-fight pep-talk ever!) 

don't care. lol. i really really want this. i have no more excuses to fall back on (i'm sick/i'm on a varsity team) i have NO excuse. so i might as well just get down and get my grades.